Hate--When your partner won't listen to you...

• Hate--When your partner won't listen to you...‏The chief complaint, besides being unequally yolk, between most relationships, I hear as a CME, is that many partners complain about ‘you never listen to me.' However, as I continue my psychology studies and Family education practice with the National Family and Marriage Centers this complaint is very common, In addition as a newlywed wife I have recognized that usually the problem is much deeper than lack of attention.

Perhaps you can relate!
No Doubt, communication may be a factor issue however the root problem is about personal needs not being met or a longing for connection that isn't there.
If you feel that you aren't being listened to or understood,
there are a few client examples that seem to be pretty common.

The first is when your partner has a preconceived idea
of what you are thinking or feeling so they don't listen when
you speak. They make assumptions based on previous
relationships or the past and turn you off.

Another problem is that they are listening from their own
agenda and their own frame of reference. They are listening
to tell their story rather than listening to connect with
you.

A third is that they truly don't understand what you are
saying, thinking or feeling. They don't have enough
information or you are not clearly articulating your
feelings or thoughts.

A fourth scenario is when there is not enough safety and
trust in the relationship for one or both people to speak
openly and authentically to each other.

It's important to remember that these scenarios each
represent a dynamic between two people, with both people
taking part in the drama.

This was true for one couple that we know.

What we found was that he was listening but he shut down
emotionally because it wasn't safe for him to say what he was
really thinking.

When his wife wanted to buy and move into a new house by
a certain date, he was silent and didn't object although he
really felt that that wasn't a conscious way to make a major
purchase.

As a result, his wife thought he was agreeing with her all
along but in reality, he had simply withdrawn emotionally.

Although she was clear, there were assumptions on her part
and no conscious agreement between them. Fear prevented
him from revealing his true feelings.

How can you help other people to listen to you?

Remember you have no control over your partner's reactions,
thoughts or whether they do truly listen to you.

But it is always your responsibility to help your partner
understand you if you are trying to communicate something.

If you're trying to communicate something that your partner
doesn't understand, one way to help this situation is to simply
say these "Magic Words" to them...

"This is really important that I share this with you and I'm not
feeling that I am saying it in a way that you can understand me.
Would you be willing to help me to find a better way to share
my ideas so that you can understand me?"

Then ask them if they are willing to be open, patient and fully
present while you explain what you are trying to say in different
way.

Tell them that they don't have to agree with you but ask them
to try to understand.

This takes courage, presence and the intention to "do it
differently." It takes breaking the pattern in some way.

It takes you not becoming defensive and falling into old
patterns when you feel your needs is not being met and you
are not being understood.

Try these, as well as other "Magic Words," and see what a difference
it makes in your communication.

Our best to you,

Monica Watts-Hopkins, MpsyD-c, FLE, BSHA
Contact Sites!

http://www.premarriage.com

Sponsor Site Tell me More Monica

The Magic Words





Referance
Communication E-Course - DAY 3: 10 Communication Secrets for ... (n.d.). Retrieved from http://psychrelations.blogspot.com/2011/04/10-communication-secrets-for-creating
.html